var w1 = new Array()
w1[0]="Listen, I don't share this with just anyone. "
w1[1]="I whipped this up as a joke, but my mom liked it! "
w1[2]="This one has special significance. It smells really bad. "
w1[3]="This is Dudley Moore's personal favorite. "
w1[4]="If you ignore the hair, this one isn't half bad. "
w1[5]="More scary cuisine, from me to you! "
w1[6]="Another fine recipe from Barry Manilow. "
w1[7]="Here's one I stole from the Duke of Toledo. "
w1[8]="Another mule in minutes! "
w1[9]="You could get spleen cramps, but you may want to try this anyway. "
w1[10]="I sometimes make this during an earthquake. "
w1[11]="If you'd rather have a sandwich, press 9 now. "
w1[12]="If you don't try this one, you may not be retarded afterall. "

var w2 = new Array()
w2[0]="Begin with some slightly gangrenous "
w2[1]="Get some things and some other stuff and hide them behind the couch. Throw in some "
w2[2]="Hurl yourself into the nearest closet and look for some "
w2[3]="Search for some loose change in the back seat of your neighbor's expensive SUV. When he asks what you are doing, tell him to get you some "
w2[4]="Stop the first bicyclist you see and tap him firmly on that weird helmet thing he's wearing. Then, get him to admit that he's maybe a little too fond of "
w2[5]="Pretend you're Ben Franklin by sticking your hand in the garbage disposal. Then, grab a bunch of "
w2[6]="Fill your glove compartment with expired knockwurst and rent some "
w2[7]="At 3am, walk in to McDonald's wearing only a beanie and demand some "
w2[8]="Coerce a kangaroo to bring you some "
w2[9]="Massage an agitated marmoset until it falls asleep. Then, once your elbows fall off, steal some "
w2[10]="Balance a rotten potato on your head. Try not to move for at least 7 hours. Then, inherit some "
w2[11]="Whatever you do, don't touch the "
w2[12]="Jump out of a tree and land on your pituitary gland. Next, shop for some fresh "

var w3 = new Array()
w3[0]="printed instructions on how to build a helicopter out of wet cardboard. Next,  "
w3[1]="home pregnancy testing equipment. Then, "
w3[2]="pieces of naugahyde left over from recovering your bathtub. Put an open can of potted meat in your pocket and "
w3[3]="little plastic things you stick on the bottom of chair legs. As long as you've gone totally insane, "
w3[4]="generic hair care products and an inner tube. You should then "
w3[5]="Tupperware containers filled with depressed beets. Patiently "
w3[6]="bags of dumpster food covered in motor oil. Next, "
w3[7]="homeless waterbuffalo. Next, "
w3[8]="Crisco infested platform shoes from 1971. Go "
w3[9]="neurotic box turtles who really admire William Shattner. Then, "
w3[10]="12 pound buckets of bacon covered in floor wax. When Stanley asks 'How much?', you should reply 'What?' Then, you must "
w3[11]="confused raccoons. Finally, "
w3[12]="1961 International Harvester o-rings, designed to fit a piece of equipment you don't own. Go over there and "

var w4 = new Array()
w4[0]="peel up all the linoleum in your kitchen and replace it with empty Cap'n Crunch cereal boxes. "
w4[1]="develop several frightening facial tics to scare away Jim Nabors. "
w4[2]="answer the door! Are you deaf? It could be Shirlena! "
w4[3]="see if you can buy a live stork on the Home Shopping Channel. "
w4[4]="pretend to be James Bond. Realize you have taken it too far while attempting to drive your Buick under water. "
w4[5]="do something. Don't just stand there and wait for instructions. Take some initiative. "
w4[6]="get yourself a suitcase full of Alberto VO5. Apply for a patent on stupidity. "
w4[7]="stand naked beside the freeway until the police stop and ask what you are doing. Explain that you are a non-medicated schizophrenic and you lost a bet with one of your other personalities. "
w4[8]="wrap yourself in paper towels and go boating with Adam Sandler. "
w4[9]="locate a plunger shaped like the state of Kentucky. Jump up and down and shout 'Paper or plastic!' "
w4[10]="ask a waitress at a local restaurant if you can come over to her house for dinner. "
w4[11]="fly a kite you made out of ham and an old wheat threshing machine. "
w4[12]="act like you know what you're doing. Trust me. No one will notice. "

var w5 = new Array()
w5[0]="Peer over the counter and say sheepishly; 'A good surfactant is the key to flying a large aircraft!'"
w5[1]="Get medical treatment for 'excessive badger colic.'"
w5[2]="Serves no purpose whatsoever."
w5[3]="Vigorously rub your face with a wheel of sharp cheddar cheese."
w5[4]="Become a professional refrigerator magnet."
w5[5]="Put a pair of shoes on your hands and scream 'My legs are huge!'"
w5[6]="Use Grey Poupon to paint the number 16 on your neighbor's garage door."
w5[7]="Tape an eggplant to the side of your head."
w5[8]="Quick as you can say antidisestablishmentarianism, you're off to Minocqua!"
w5[9]="Bow gracefully, then trip over the rug and sprain your large intestine."
w5[10]="Replace all the light bulbs in your house with beef jerky."
w5[11]="Offer the neighbor's cat a stick of gum and exclaim 'what up, Charles?'"
w5[12]="Adopt a barn owl and loudly sing show tunes wherever you go."

function randomNum(max) {
	var rNum = NaN
	while (isNaN(rNum)) {
		rNum = Math.floor(Math.random() * (max))
	}
	return rNum
}

function quote() {
	msg = w1[randomNum(w1.length)]
	msg += w2[randomNum(w2.length)]
	msg += w3[randomNum(w3.length)]
	msg += w4[randomNum(w4.length)]
	msg += w5[randomNum(w5.length)]
	return msg
}