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Aquarius |
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You invent a revolutionary recipe for rice pudding this week. The bad news is that the market for your brand of culinary genius is non-existent. The good news is that your car just caught on fire! Right now, while you are reading this, neighborhood volunteer firemen are busy beating at the flames with spatulas, forks and assorted dinner napkins (they were eating lunch at the time the fire started). As a result, you will receive a windfall from your insurance company in the amount of $22.49! Is this your lucky day, or what? Your lucky color is plastic
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Aries |
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OK, so you let your friends convince you that beef jerky isn't all that important. Did you know that many top executives achieve their status as a direct result of arm hair density? Don't kid yourself. Taping some strips of cardboard to your forearms isn't going to help. You really need to invest in a full page ad in the New York Times revealing the fact that your parents have compromising photographs involving you and a vacuum cleaner. Then all you need to do is learn to fly a cargo plane! Your lucky chemical is jello
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Cancer |
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Put your nose to the grindstone this week and build yourself a new house out of strawberry pop tart boxes. You can move in immediately after shaving your head and parading around K-mart, buck naked, pointing out your various orifices to perfect strangers. Ask the store manager (who is about to shoot you in the face) if you can drive one of the lawn mowers around for a while. Your lucky therapist is away on vacation
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Capricorn |
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I think if you look at things logically, you will come to realize that you have something horrible hanging from your nose. This is not the end of the world. Well, it could be if you're new in town and your dog already coughed up a bunch of squirrel parts on your neighbors front porch. Nevertheless, you should start the new year off right by challenging the Jensen family next door to a duel. If they refuse to participate, give them a phony gift certificate for a set of rubber steak knives and call them a bunch of "bloated salamanders." Your lucky lizard is Donald Trump
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Gemini |
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It's going to be a stellar month, Maury! If things get out of control, you can always dampen your enthusiasm a bit by sticking your hand into a waste paper basket. Really jam it in there! Don't look first; that would remove the split-second of uncertainty where your brain tries to convince you that you are doing something stupid. Plus, it would stifle the potential for bodily harm. Tomorrow, it would be wise to go to the local library and attempt to check out the August, 1978 issue of MAD magazine. Just this simple act of making someone jump through the hoops in utter futility will make you feel superior. Then, buy yourself a new Rolex! Your lucky invention is soap on a stick
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Leo |
You might want to avoid performing any Kenny Rogers songs via karaoke, while you're wearing a pair of upside down pants. If you just can't help yourself, be sure to throw several empty pizza boxes in the parking lot and hold a bagel under your chin at a right angle. The police will be stopping by shortly to change the door knobs and check the soles of your shoes for anything that looks like Jamaica. Say you're sorry a lot. People dig that crazy bourgeois vibe. Your lucky stock symbol is %&#
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Libra |
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Breathe a sigh of relief as you discover that the Partridge Family reruns will continue for yet another season. Don't forget to take those old moldy popcorn balls out of your dresser drawer and throw them at the annoying people who live across the street. NO, that isn't a cold sore on your lip. Your home has been infested with trolls who come out from under your bed at night and cut off little pieces of your face in order to make wallets from them (very tres chic!) Your lucky cologne is Pennzoil
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Pisces |
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An interpersonal rivalry with a co-worker should keep you from having fits of uncontrollable swelling. Celebrate this fact by flushing your shoes down the toilet. For a bit of additional assurance, make several calls to Sri Lanka from your office phone. Be sure to drop all the doughnuts down at least two flights of stairs on your way to the office tomorrow. If that doesn't do it, nobody can! And tell Fred to stop picking his nose and wiping it under his desk! He's such a loser... Your lucky sound is *doink*
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Sagittarius |
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This just so happens to be my birth sign. Not that it is of any significance, but you are pretty much assured of a good prospectus as I'm not about to cast negative aspersions on my own future! So, here goes. You will become rich and famous over the next couple of weeks. You will move to Paris, getting married in a dazzling, paparazzi bloated ceremony on the French Riviera and have two strange looking alien children with no teeth. Next, you will build an entire castle out of link sausages and spend the remainder of your life in a padded room with a built-in lithium dispenser. I kind of strayed a bit here. Sorry. Your lucky fluid is Gravy
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Scorpio |
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This Saturday, a family of meerkats will picket your house in an attempt to lure you into a land ownership dispute. Foil their plans by inviting them in and offering them tobacco products and miniature first aid kits. After gaining their trust, slyly get them to sign affidavits stating their excessive use of mind altering substances and family history of mental illness. Then smash them with a shovel! Your lucky charm is a ring balogna
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Taurus |
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This month's entry would be really really significant if it weren't for the fact that I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. So, here's what to do: select several random names out of your local phone book and call each of them to ask what they think your horoscope might be. If they hesitate or balk at the idea, yell at them to keep them focused on the issue at hand. Once you have the data (you DID write it all down, didn't you?), call the Vatican and seek an audience with the Pope. Next, select a nine iron or a pitching wedge and take aim slightly above the pin. Dry yourself with some 80 grit sandpaper and fall asleep on the john! Your lucky coworker is Neil Sadaka
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Virgo |
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Remember all those self-help books, motivational cassette tapes and assertiveness training seminars from your recent past? Me neither. I'm a loser just like you. No direction, prospects of prosperity or hope for a bright future. No 501 button fly jeans, breathrite strips to cure my incessant snoring or phone books without pages missing from them. *sigh... You can, however, throw several rotting filet-o-fish sandwiches into the back seat of your boss's new Mercedes. Life is good. Your lucky aroma is skim milk
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