Juicy Turkish gopher meat seasoned with cigar ashes and wrapped in the sports section from yesterday's newspaper. Deep fried in Prestone anti-freeze and hand tossed out the back door of the kitchen!

Imagine a bed of misproportioned Indonesian reject polo shirts, 38 pounds of iced cod liver oil, a high school ring and a pair of rusty motorcycle handlebars. Now, forget all that. This has none of those things. Feast hearty on page 28 of a 1964 hardback edition of Reader's Digest!

We start with a profuse helping of vulcanized boot shank prepared using our very special 'Tai-Bo' training video. We then add a touch of hostility for flavor and serve it piping hot over steamed saltine crackers.

A pair of Chef Jimmy's famous thick sliced hip waders marinated in a green laundry basket full of lard, grilled over an inverted tanning bed and served with a vat of sweet mosquito oil sauce for dipping.

Our finest gourmet main course. You'll drool over this dead, smelly pig carcass harvested from the bowels of a rabid donkey, smothered with nectarines and sprinkled with a mixture of stinky cheese and ground sulfur.

You'll enjoy this delicate treat made from quality used tractor parts! Wild kitchen goats sear the spleen in a polystyrene cup until it shoots across the room and hits someone in the eye! Served with cuff links and a swatch of tweed cloth.

Our special sticky fluid makes this dish irresistible! We start you off with a lightly singed blanket laminated with Formica and top it with a generous portion of first-rate blister cream. Served sarcastically by a very rude waiter.

Our famous whole brain patties are rolled in sour pulp and gelatinous mildew and broiled in a silo of radioactive tar. Topped with crushed ferrite and served from a balcony high above the restaurant by a man in an aluminum foil jumpsuit.

Algonquin dwarves flick pieces of ripe pickled herring at each other while balancing jars of frothing laundry detergent on their heads. Chef Jimmy then grills his hand on the exhaust manifold of a miniature school bus. Served with a complimentary copy of 'Fran Drescher on a Plane.'

Start with a few scrumptious oatmeal boxes chastized by the Pope, swirl them around in a washbasin full of Swedish geoducks, garnish with a bar of Ivory soap and what do you have? What! Buy 3 and get a free brain tumor!

Laugh yourself silly with this crazy appetizer! A generous platter of live hyenas are brought to your table while you struggle to loosen your straight jacket. Bandages and other first aid supplies are available Ala Carte.

Four Paraguayan scientists meticulously julienne hand selected vine ripened Velcro strips and attach them to strategic areas of a 50lb bag of dehydrated pinto beans with scotch tape. Served by a random Swedish tourist after 6:00pm!

Learn from the old pro! Chef Jimmy sits at YOUR table after consuming a full bottle of cooking sherry and shares his most intimate secrets. Just hope your check comes before he makes it through the entire 'whine' list.

Start your meal off with a big bowl of this rich murky consomme´ made from the finest Asian cylinder lubricant and topped with razor-sharp clam adhesive. Guaranteed to taste better than the leading boat varnish.

Local dairy farmers produce these fine homemade cakes in the heart of America's pasture country. Please don't ask for the recipe, it's a secret! Delivered to your table on a hovercraft filled with rotting cabbages. Eels optional.

You have to try this dessert. We're begging you. Please. If you try it just once, we promise never to bother you again. We have many starving children to feed. This message brought to you courtesy of the management.

Simple elegance! Crushed carbon monoxide molecules are blended with tasty toupee´ fibers and then quick fired in a nuclear reactor for 17 quintillion nanoseconds. Allowed to cool overnight in an oil refinery. Served under lead.

Our finest dessert! A delectable windshield scraper coated with crispy olive cake batter is charred in a stoneware furnace while Chef Jimmy fills the entire restaurant with nicotine by chain-smoking non-filter cigarettes. Over 5,000 served.

Ward makes this one for himself after the beaver and his stupid friends get into trouble for stealing area rugs from a local K-mart. No, it's not a nylon leotard, it's really made from beet extract and old bicycle inner tubes!

Five quarts of champagne combined with ancient fossil wax and gauze left over from pointless, expensive plastic surgery procedures. Shaken not stirred. A very greasy dessert that might cause some folks to slap a police officer.

8 ounces of cured tenderfoot pulp, killed and pounded by 5 clods waving around fat abandoned trash funnels, then delicately heated over a sanctioned typeset container by bonafide vending machines. Served with pathetic excuses.

100% pure bean juice strained through a dental saliva vacuum, mixed with aromatic hair gel, happy carnival skin paint and sockeye salmon eggs. Blended in an abandoned train station until politely asked to leave.

A full 20 ounces of sparkling misty apricot swill blended with exhilarating chicken veneer and a twist of alfalfa sprouts. Served in a glass that is brought directly to your table after a brief stop at the men's washroom.

Scads of the finest grade 'A' artichoke granules are affixed to a piece of lavender construction paper that has been rolled tightly enough to fit through the mail slot in a Belgian podiatrist's office door. It's true, we tried it!

Poured directly from a large weird container situated next to the jar of pickled eggs by a member of the 'society to keep an eye on whopping earth deposits from outer space'. Mixed with Prozac and served with a crack team of psychotherapists.

Four ounces of mercury vapor collected from used florescent light bulbs blended with a full pound of Velveeta cheese and a splash of extra virgin radish oil. Order two and get a gift certificate for a free pelvic examination!

Our most popular specialty drink! Straight 92-octane gasoline siphoned from the tank of a 1986 Buick Riviera, strained through a plywood Nativity scene imported from Budapest and garnished with a dollop of Chef Jimmy's forearm hair. Served willy-nilly by an absent minded contortionist riding a dead giraffe.

Now, here's a dessert you can stick right into your face! Sweet ball bearing grease and various unacceptable noises baked in a flaky oxford tweed crust. A full 9lbs. of waxed string in every bite!

This recipe was translated from Japanese so we aren't sure we have it completely right. We know it has something to do with lemurs and gray food coloring. Don't worry. It probably won't hurt you. Besides, whatever it is was cooked in one of those cool things with the smokestack on it!

A lepidopterist's dream! A king's portion of lightly scratched melamine, dusted with prehistoric baby gravel and sandwiched between two pieces of savory cork flooring. Briskly alphabetized by scary telemarketers. Can be used as currency in countries inhabited by levitating gnomes. Order 12 and ride the tractor for FREE!

As I was remodeling my home over the weekend, I devised a plan to pawn off the rotting floor joists as some sort of finger food for the restaurant. Turns out they're pretty tasty! What have you got to lose, besides a few teeth?

A Hawaiian classic. A chunk of cotton. A jug of fruity pebbles. What more could you want? Scratch that. We don't really want to know.

Trying to catch these stupid things is a reward in and of itself. That's why we're only charging a fraction of a penny for ours.