 |
| |
| Now showing answers: 16 - 30 |
| |
 |
 |
| Dear Parakeet Guy: |
| - if people had 3 knees would someone have to redesign the bicyle? And talking of which, if cows had wheels, would it take less time for the farmer to milk them in the morning? Has anyone thought of inventing upside down tea yet? ...all questions I've been wrestling with since tomorrow evening. Please help before I lose all grip and cancel the extra yoghurt. |
| Signed: dunno |
 |
| Dear dunno: |
| - No, the bicycle would not have to be redesigned. However, the Dow Jones industrial average would need to be outfitted with a pair of pontoons the size of Lichtenstein.
Cows having wheels would require new pasture land incline regulations to prevent them from randomly slamming into passing motor vehicles, possibly requiring the assitance of the haphazard vectored cow police investigative task force.
Tea being upside down is just silly. Everyone knows that tea only works with the arrows pointing up.
Go ahead and get the extra yogurt. It's good for your pancreas. |
|
| Dear Parakeet Guy: |
| - When you strangle a smurf, what colour does he get ? |
| Signed: nat |
|
| Dear nat: |
| - OK, I've changed my mind. A garotted smurf will turn several graduated shades of puce before becoming laconic, sweaty and slightly obtuse. |
|
| Dear Parakeet Guy: |
| - When you strangle a smurf, what colour does he get ? i think we should go running barefoot in the rain......peter you’re a mad man!!!!........barefoot you say?? |
| Signed: nat |
|
| Dear nat: |
| - Short answer: transparent.
I'll just bow out of the remainder of your inter-self conversation. Just a word of advice: wear a toga. |
|
| Dear Parakeet Guy: |
| - Why is blacker in the place where I found the phone under some grass than it is in the insanity bin, because I bought some toys there and they're eating at my wires as we speak, and I should have known this would happen, but I love the sound and the burning too much and the whole plastic on plastic thing? |
| Signed: Vandalor the Great |
|
| Dear Vandalor the Great: |
| - Hmmm. I Dunno. My guess would be it has something to do with antacid tablets, or extremely painful depilatory rituals. |
|
| Dear Parakeet Guy: |
| -
In my favorite joke a horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "why the long face?" My question is why does the horse have a long face. After all, he could just order a gin and tonic and be happy. |
| Signed:
addum |
|
| Dear
addum: |
| - Unfortunately, gin and tonic is not an elixir that can provide the horse with much solace. There are actually two answers to this question, Addum. The logical connections that allow us to arrive at the literal answer go something like this: Horse < God > Earth > iron ore > galvanized steel > bucket > horse’s face. In other words, God made the horse and the Earth, which contains minerals such as iron ore, which is used to make galvanized steel buckets, which are used to feed horses, whom need long faces in order to get anything to eat. The figurative answer is derived from the same equation: galvanized steel buckets are the horse’s only connection to spirituality. Seeing as how these buckets are becoming obsolete and are being replaced by man-made polypropylene or cycolac versions, the reference becomes figurative because the horse is saddened for the loss of this connection to a higher power, hence the "long face." Good quesion! |
|
| Dear Parakeet Guy: |
| -
How come I can’t stop laughing every time I hear the word ’sarcophagus’? |
| Signed:
Wm Nebulizer III |
|
| Dear
Wm Nebulizer III: |
| - It stems from a childhood illness caused by standing in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles. The only known cure is to assemble a group of circus midgets and address them as "you bunch of naughty kangaroos", while reciting the parking validation rules and regulations from the Treaty of Versailles. If you get the chance, check out the King Tut exhibit. You’ll have the time of your life. |
|
| Dear Parakeet Guy: |
| -
my sister got a parakeet on thursday, i saw it and wanted one of my own. she had a girl, and i wanted a boy, but i saw this other yellow one, and it was great about staying on your shoulder, and or fingers! it had some hair missing on both of the sides of his head. But we have both of the birds in one cage. mine is not doing that great, because it is constantly pooping!!!!!We have all of the little special toys, and bird snacks, but the yellow bird is just not moving!!! one this one specific toy, its the shape of a circle, with little purple bars to stand on, with 4 colorful beads on top of that. But everytime either of them go on it, their posture is horrible! help me with these problems, please! ~ chelsea:) |
| Signed:
chelsea harris |
|
| Dear
chelsea harris: |
- Birds hate bad haircuts. Especially hairy birds.
You should schedule some time with the bird and a good mediator to establish some guidelines about "pooping." Can’t have parakeets going around purging themselves whenever they feel like it.
A subscription to The Wall Street Journal should clear up any posture problems. Either that or, maybe, just maybe, removing the offending object from the cage could have some positive effect? Thanks for the visit... |
|
| Dear Parakeet Guy: |
| -
I’ve heard frightening rumors that the sky really isn’t that orange, but only looks it because the mushroom and duct tape pizza my Uncle Roy used to insulate his tool shed during the renowned anti-gravity slap-bracelet craze interrupts all radio wave signals and thus sounds of random car alarms, opens all the neighbors’ garage doors and causes bipolar goldfish to crave pumpernickel ice cream. Can you clear this up for me? Thanks! |
| Signed:
Olaf |
|
| Dear
Olaf: |
| - What’s to clear up? It’s just a rumor. Especially the part about mushrooms. On a pizza? HOGWASH! No, Olaf, the sky will be orange for as long as there are 10 inches in a decaliter, 4.7 tonnes in a bushel or three coins in a fountain. Besides, when was the last time your uncle Roy ever did anything that was successful? Glad to have you back! |
|
| Dear Parakeet Guy: |
| -
Who is rounding off the corners of all my household items. I payed money for those corners, and some basket now has them. I heard through the grapevine that some-one is putting them all together and building some kind of giant porcupine. I wrote to my MP but he replied that they were merely being removed in order to make my toaster (and other household appliances)more aerodynamic, is this part of the governments plan with the porcupine thing or what? |
| Signed:
oddbod |
|
| Dear
oddbod: |
| - Actually, it is I that is doing the rounding. As a duly appointed government pound cake expert, it is my responsibility to collect these objects from the general public. The good news is that you aren’t really paying for the corners, so you have nothing to worry about. The Governmental Giant Porcupine Builders Association deducts the cost of these items from your taxes each year. You should write your MP again and explain that the sound barrier is NOT in Big Sky, Montana after all and his hair is really scary. Thanks! |
|
| Dear Parakeet Guy: |
| -
Is it further to New York than by bus? |
| Signed:
Beebanootz |
|
| Dear
Beebanootz: |
| - Absolutely! It is only about 81.038234759213495% of the actual distance by bus, because buses are longer lasting than competing hair care products and thus you become entitled to the "full monty." If you were to travel by mountain goat or glacier, you would have to stop for gas at least 17 more times! Nice to hear from you again, Beeb. |
|
| Dear Parakeet Guy: |
| -
I once asked a cop if he ever had a call where hordes of flesh-eating zombies were devouring the town. He replied, "You’re strange." This made me very suspicious and after close surveillance I noticed a pair of testicles growing out of my left ear. And now I’m months behind on the shipment of nuclear weapons I’ve been building in my garage, and just when I was weeks away from busting up that black market sheep shearing organization! HELP! |
| Signed:
Thomas J |
|
| Dear
Thomas J: |
| - Sorry. I had to put you on hold. I was on the phone with Nikita Kruschev concerning prenuptial asparagus maintenance. Regardless, you will find that a rolled up newspaper will work wonders on the sheep shearing organization. It is also wonderful when used as a tension-release mechanism in donuts suffering from the AIDS virus. Practice extreme caution when using Q-tips. Glad you could drop by. |
|
| Dear Parakeet Guy: |
| -
People tell me I am dead, but my answering machine still works...how would you explain this? |
| Signed:
Aaron |
|
| Dear
Aaron: |
| - According to page seven of ’The Answering Machines of the Deceased’, shortly after your death, a ’Destructor Council’ will assign someone to drop by your house and smash your answering machine to smithereens with a blunt, heavy object. The council probably hasn’t triangulated the exact location of your badminton set, yet. This is a very difficult task as the ’birdies’ emit a high pitched whirring sound that can only be heard by marmosets and Kate Moss. Remember all that candy corn you ate when you were 7? Well, that has nothing to do with this at all, I just thought it might be relevant because the sentence contained a reference to the number 7. Anyway, if you aren’t really dead and your answering machine still works, you might want to give the council a call and save yourself the expense of replacing your hot water heater. I also noticed your car smells like cough drops. What’s up with that? |
|
| Dear Parakeet Guy: |
| -
What is the key to making my refrigerator think its about to spontaneously combust and thus eats the toaster oven? |
| Signed:
Olaf |
|
| Dear
Olaf: |
| - The key is to call the phone company and demand to know who owns all those gum ball machines littering supermarket entryways. If you can’t get a satisfactory response, repeatedly ask the operator what time it is while banging the receiver against a formica-topped table every few seconds. If that doesn’t do the trick, try not pretending you aren’t watching it out of the corner of your eye. Refrigerators are way too clever for that old guise. They are well aware that the human eye is roughly spherical and thus, has no corners. Should the above ideas fail, you can always take the renegade toaster oven to a Portuguese opera house and have it painted a non-threatening shade of chartreuse. Thanks for asking! |
|
| Dear Parakeet Guy: |
| -
Do male parakeets eat their young? |
| Signed:
Jen |
|
| Dear
Jen: |
| - Probably. They ate my house once. Have you been watching Oprah Winfrey again? |
|
| Dear Parakeet Guy: |
| - Why do I have to make my bed anyway? |
| Signed: Irk |
|
| Dear Irk: |
| - Well, the consensus of opinion is that an unmade bed is fairly likely to move in with your ex girlfriend. Since she owns a Volkswagen, I think you’d be much better off with the aluminum siding. So you see, it is a good idea to make your bed each morning and then you can take pride in the fact that gingivitis will eventually chase away any prospect you have of finding a mate. Plus, it helps dispell those nasty rumors that herbivores have a flat spot on the east side of their heads. Glad to hear from you! |
|
|
|
